The Unpleasant Distraction

I was in the middle of writing my protocol when it came…a most unpleasant distraction. I was just starting my 3 mile run…when it came. Grabbing well readings. During the morning meeting. In the middle of last night’s Sons of Anarchy.

I’ve talked a little bit about the emotional toil a back injury can have on you. I’ve talked about the toll it has on your time. Your patience. What I haven’t talked about is one of the less talked about issue that accompany a ruptured disk in the lower lumbar region…a leaky ass.

Turns out the nerves that are pinched down there also control your ass sphincter. What?

I feel like I need an ass tampon.

It starts after I’ve been standing for awhile. Gravities cruel pull.

Walking then brings it to my full attention.

Jogging…it starts to shout at me.

It must be acidic or caustic in some way…cause it burns.

I’m not talking about giant gobs of poo falling out my asshole. I’m talking about goo. Just like a little natural ass lube. I’m not gay or anything, and I’ve certainly never had anal sex…at least not on the receiving end. So the idea of even having natural ass lube, not to mention the fact that it’s leaking outside my body…and hurts, makes me a little freaked out.

At first I just felt like maybe I needed a maintenance wipe. I do live in Las Vegas and work out in the sun alot. Sometimes your ass gets sweaty. But then the wipes came a little too often.

I became…acutely aware of my asshole.

That’s the worst part about this. I don’t want to be aware of my asshole. I want to remain in the background of my mind. Like an old suit case stored in the attic. I know its there and I’ll get to it when I want it. I certainly don’t need to check on it multiple times a day.

Interestingly enough It doesn’t happen when I’m engaged in strenuous exercise. Playing soccer and doing my kettlebell work don’t have any negative affect on my bum. There’s a lesson in that.

I think that the surrounding muscles help activate the sphincter, or my running around unconsciously makes me clench my deep pelvic floor. In either case…I’ve got some exercising to do. I will be the master of what and when things come out of my ass.

The Grind

It felt like I was always in a waiting room somewhere…always filling out forms…copies of my drivers liscence and insurance card were second nature type of actions. I had them out before the receptionist could even ask.

For that reason alone I wish I had taken better care of myself in my younger years. If I could have forseen that I would constantly be waiting in the 7th circle of hell…I would have stood up tall. Would have perfected my form doing the dead lift. Hell, I would have even done some walking, like for exercise type walking, not just to get from one place to another.

The thing about having ruptured disks in your lower back is that it feels like having a sore ass…all the time.

I found that by squating I was able to find a little relief. So I’d sit for a little while until my ass would be too sore to sit…I’d fidget and change positions as much as possible, but after a while I’d have to get up and walk around. It wouldn’t quite work. Then I’d squat.

I don’t like to squat in public. It’s not the manliest posture in the world. In fact it’s quite submissive…and certainly not in my nature to do so.

The only good thing about squating in the doctors waiting room is that no one wants to interact with one another.

We’re all in there for some malady or other and it’s as if no one wants to admit that we’re damaged. The pride that comes with good health has long since been stamped out of us.

It isn’t like I’m in the emergency room with an injury that was received by the various badass attempts that mark my life. I haven’t been jumping buses on a motorcycle. I don’t have a slashing wound from a hellish skirmish. My ass hurts…the guy next to me has gout…the old lady has hypertension…and the twenty something chick over there…the clap. None of us want to make eye contact.

Now they’re calling my name…weight…height…blood pressure and pulse oxygen. It’s allways the same.

The doctor will see you now.

It’s a lie.

He’s not going to see you anytime soon. He’s overbooked. Always.

The real waiting is after you get in the exam room.

I’m going to open a doctors office and actually buy comfortable chairs. It will be revolutionary.

In which a little bit of knowledge makes a complete mess of itself

I went to massage therapy school when I was a stoner during my college years. It was called The Sensory Development Institute. My psychadelic nature wanted to learn how to be a jedi, but alas…it was not to be.

In school, during one of my many disciplinary moments, I was strongly encouraged to write a report on the piriformis muscle. The piriformis is small muscle connecting your femur to your hip bone. It’s deep in your ass. And when it gets irritated it becomes a huge pain in your ass…and legs. You see, the sciatic nerve runs right next to this badboy and in some cases actually runs in the middle of the muscle fiber itself. I feel for the poor bastard that has this gold medal. Like living with your legs to close to the campfire.

A few weeks after the running injury that did me wrong I was feeling these exact symptoms. I knew what it was and my primary care doctor ageed with me.

We see this all the time…he said.

Especially with older guys getting back in shape…he said.

Tough Mudder looks bitchen and your’e gonna destroy it dude…he said.

He started me an anti-inflammatory and some NORCO for the pain.

The anti-inflammatory was one of those ones where you start at 4 per day then taper down to 3 and 2 and what not…and it was pure gold…for 3 days. I was pain free for three days. It was glorious. I was walking. Just walking. Not limping along like a 90 year old man. Walking.

The NORCO made me anxious and gave me the shivers. Hated that shit. Side effects far worse than the solution on that one.

Then those three days were up.

I still had more of the anti-inflammatories to take and I held out hope that the end of the cycle would bring a relief from the pain.

I learned thru  3 more primary care doctor visits, 2 MRI’s, 3 different specialists, and an outpatient procedure that it would take a lot more than one cycle of drugs to relieve my pain.

But I just knew that it was piriformis syndrome…and my doctor agreed.

New Steel

When new steel is first release from the hell fire furnace it must be pounded into submission. A process that leaves the blacksmith hard and the steel soft. I feel like the steel.

I haven’t played competitive sports in quite a while. And it’s been at leas 20 years since I’ve been on a soccer pitch.

I think I was so worried about my back I forgot the rest of my body. My knees are wrecked. It’s a good thing tho. I had a great time. We lost, but it wasn’t a blow out.

10-6 isn’t a bad score considering we all met each other about 20 minutes before the game and the oldest player on the other team was at least 10 years younger than me.

It was nice to get out and do some dynamic moves. All my exercises since I hurt my back have been slow and methodic moves. Even the kettlebell is linear for the most part and definitely predictable.

Those guys out there were moving. It took me a little while to remember how to play. Got caught back pedaling far too many times. Ended the game with a sweet somersault over the goalie tho. Shook it off like a boss.

Having read resently that Creatine reduces the Cortisol Response. (Hat tip to Ben Greenfield for that link) I really loaded up on my Creatine supplementation. About double my usual dosage. About the time my knees started aching. I slammed a double dose of fish oil, kelp, glucosamine/chondroitin, and 1000mg of Ibuprophen…I stilled hobbled upstairs to sleep…and hobbled downstairs for coffee this morning.

Taping the knees is gonna happen before next game.

I’m pleased with the results tho. It’s that kind of stuff that will keep me young.

[Update: corrective and preventative excercises should include both front and side lunges. Mostly side lunges.

The fire and The Forge

Last December I had one of those moments that you hear about as children, but dont really believe actually exist.
My life changed in an instant.
It would never be the same afterword. My life had spontaniously created a demarcation line. My life before…and my life after.

It started with a series of small choices, little nudges in the right direction. It ended with a sharp U-turn and months of constant pain.

I was training for the Tough Mudder, running off trail, trying to increase my speed when the years cought up.

I was lazy my whole life. Lazy in posture. Lazy in excercize. Lazy in discipline. My laziness would spark a season guarenteed to make me work. And work hard.

I ruptured my disks on a run. I ruptured my L4-L5 and L5-S1 trying the get healthy. I broke my back trying to be a badass…and I had failed. At least it felt that way.

It felt like I pulled my hamstrings at first…then a pain at the top of my hamstring…then in my ass…then deep in my hip. As the weeks went by my pain changed from a simple sports injury to a deep and constant burn. My nerves deep inside my body were smoldering.

Initial doctor visits were futile with incorrect diagnosis.

I resisted learning the truth because I didn’t want to be knocked down a step.

I had always been somewhat atheletic. Sports just came naturally too me. It was probably my downfall. I never had to work to get it. I didn’t need to develop any physical discipline. If I wasn’t good at it…I stopped doing it.

I needed the work.

I needed the discipline.

Now I’m forced to work. I’m forced to be disciplined. My body tells me very quickly when I’m not. My body is a cruel fucking mistress and never lets me forget it.

My body is forming my mind. With every new technique and every new milestone my mind takes shape…and gets stronger. Its these techniques and milestones that I want to share.

I’ve learned things that have definitely helped. Things that only kind of helped. And things that have been absolute game changers in dealing with and reducing my back pain. My injury may never heal, but I can and will regain my active lifestyle. In fact, my first soccer game in over 20 years is this Sunday. Back pain can suck it.

I know I’m not alone. Others have gone before me and others will follow. Still others are on the path with me.

Lets help each other. I’ll learn from you. Hopefully, you learn from me.

Stoking the fire

I always felt uncomfortable about my height.

Thats something they dont tell you as you grow up…You might be uncomfortable about something thats outside of your control…Something that is probably your best feature.

The result of this was a slouch.

I hunched my shoulders and rounded my lower back so I wouldn’t tower over the other kids.

The years of putting my spine in constant flexion took its toll.

Slow erosion like a constant rain.

My ruptured disks was just the flash flood of years of accumulated stresses.

The first thing I did after accurately diagnosing my injury was work on a plan to fix my posture.

I started by researching youtube for ruptured disks. The wealth of information that other people have put on this site is absolutely astounding. I absolutely credit my back pain relief and management to the magic that is voluntary contributions for societies benifit.

Because I had spent so much time with a flexed spine…I would need to reverse the damage.

I another little secret that they dont tell you when youre  a kid…when you fix a mistake it hurts like hell.

I could barely lay on my stomach when I started.

I slowly worked up to my elbows.

Every new progression hurt worse than the one before, but I knew it was necessary. I knew I needed it. I dont want to need pain pills for the rest of my life.

I’m going to post my specific protocol soon, but your first assignment is to go on youtube and watch a few videos of ruptured and bulging disks. These will get you started.

http://youtu.be/HFJCD0thmCM